Eyes staring blankly into a conversation between friends, I hold in the tears.  My world is shattering.  The news blind-sided me, so unexpected, yet so obvious.  I missed everything, a whole year, yet I feel like I didn't miss anything.  Everyone is still the same; except now they branch off into different pairs.

Well he finally merged, the person I was leaning on.  He hadnt changed. He talked to me as if nothing had ever happened.  But he is not immune and finally found a temporary other half.  I should be happy, but now jealousy overtakes me.  She took my walking stick, leaving me feeling alone in an awkward world.  I'm glad for them, really I am.  But I am not going to lie; this sucks for me.

I need to branch out, wander around the streets.  Brain finally returning to the conversation, I add my thoughts on the latest irrelevance.   Movies, music, television.  Everyone knows how it goes.  One week this band, another week that one.  Smiling, laughing, staring, I mix and mingle with the best of them.

The Coca-Cola has finally set in and I escape to the restroom.  My reality hits like a brick wall. 

I do not care. 

I really do not care.  How am I ever going to fit in a world of giggly girls?  I do not enjoy reliving youtube videos again and again nor do I enjoy reliving stories of being skanky. I am into guys, really I am, but I have never seen any point in staring at them on tv.  Is it wrong that I want something more out of a relationship than a make-out partner?  Maybe that's why I'm always the girl ___ friend.  The space is important.  I listen to the boys' conversations drone on and on.  I throw the frisbee instead of screaming at it when it hits the wall 5 feet away from me.  I talk about my '08 pick.  Maybe I should be playfully hugging.  Maybe I should act like the guy who catches the frisbee is a hero.

The problem is that I like who I am.  I do.  I want someone else to like me too.

Today confirmed that I will never be at home in a conversation with a table full of girls.

The road less traveled has ended at a dead stop.  Puberty has kicked in and left me huddled in the dust.

Frustration overwhelming me, I read the latest post on a much admired site.  A familiar face stares back at me, one I saw every morning for almost a year.  I looked in that face so many times, feeling remorse, love, and so many times envy.   Tears leak from my eyes, although I hate to admit it.  Mocking  my frustration, the computer screen flashes in and out of focus.

It happened so fast.  She was the scared one, the one with nowhere to go but up.  And so it happened, I became number 2 again, like in so many other times in my life.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't keep up or even reach that level.  Despite all my effort, I remain the same person, the same boater, the same failure, the same girl who has never been good enough.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the original love for it anyway.  I am left loveless.  Nothing makes me happy anymore, just escaping. These days I escape through books, living the life of Tally, a young girl in a world full of fakeness, or living the life of Peak, a 14 year-old attempting to climb Mt. Everest.  I've been in a house of stairs and to the top of the world.  But I haven't left this room that isn't even mine.  I don't own anything.  My world is made up of my parents' stress and practice.  I am just a consumer, even more than most.

All I want is to escape.  I want to drive down the highway without a plan or map.  I want to hike through the woods all by myself.  I want to hide in a campground.  I want adventure.

I want to be the best.  I want to be a natural.  I want to make it to the top without the years of experience.  I want to get payed for doing what I love after finding out what it is I love.

I guess that is really what it comes down to.  I want to love something, anything.

So today I got a livejournal.  To be honest, I got it because I really wanted poopyface.com, but it was already registered and then I got frownyface on neopets.  I told my friend Jenn about it, so she rushed to go get frownyface.livejournal.com, so I raced her, but it was already taken so neither of us got it.  And I randomly got greenlawnchairs.  Isn't life grand?

Well anyway, I thought a lj would be fun.  I will try to really be a consistent blogger, but of course this will probably be the only time I ever blog.  That's just how it usually goes.  Anyway, it was worth it just to have fun messing around with the layout.  It's based off of a minty-peach layout and uses a squidfingers.com pattern.

So yeah, be my friend.  Because there's nothing really else to do while I sit here and avoid killertofu.org

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